A friend of mine’s band were asked to take part in the next series of ‘Britain’s Got Talent’. This was their response…
(Certain names have been changed)
Many thanks for listening, i’m glad you like the band. It’s always incredibly flattering when anybody likes us at all, let alone someone who works in television. This is obviously very exciting for us, especially given that most of us grew up in small towns without fancy televisions or radios. It may seem strange to you, Ian, but the most we could hope for as entertainment when we were young was watching beads of condensation drip down the windows on cold winter mornings, wringing our hands in anticipation that perhaps the beads might collide, splashing our little faces with speckles of cold water and momentarily ending the tedium that came with growing up in the countryside.
I can tell you, Ian, we spent many a night just sitting in our bedrooms, (those of us rich enough to afford bedrooms) furiously playing guitar and touching ourselves, dreaming of a day when we would be invited to perform OUR songs that WE wrote, alongside dogs that dance under duress and overweight greek exhibitionists.
Now that day has come, words have failed me. You see, Ian, it’s like waiting for Christmas the whole year round, and then suddenly realising that it’s already over. I wish I had savoured this email Ian, perhaps reading just a sentence at a time, over ten or twenty years, delicately plucking out your subtle nuances, delighting in every turn of phrase. Of course, by that point Britain’s got Talent will probably be the only thing on television, as programmes that have to pay people to appear on them will be old hat. Good riddance I say! What programme couldn’t be improved by say, the addition of Piers Morgan and a few plate spinners? I for one welcome the overlord of celebrity and the death of culture within our society.
What is culture anyway Ian? A few show offs’ in the arts world making life more difficult by desparately confusing the likes of you and I whenever they get the chance? I approve of your simplified buzzer system very much. Why not employ a buzzer system in galleries? Theatres? Perhaps we should be employing buzzers in our bedrooms to rate the performance of our lovers. And what of love itself? Wouldn’t the often perilous journey of love be made far easier with the help and guidance of Amanda Holden or that girl from N-Dubz?
In short, I thank you for your kind offer Ian.
Unfortunately, the band will have to decline on this occassion because they believe you to be either solely responsible for, or at least party to, most of the wickedness that goes on in the world.
Sweet Sweet Lies
- taken from the Brothellian Manifesto
“Brothellian individuals understand that our creative talents and imagination are sexually intriguing, and that this holds great mystery to others. There is no shame in ‘sexing up’ the arts establishment as the appeal is already there, it’s just rarely…